Finding the Courage to Speak

The tea towel hanging in my kitchen (gifted to me by my mother) reads "Everyone was thinking it, I just said it." My mother really knows me. I speak quite freely most of the time. I am not shy about sharing my opinions.

People who know me even casually know where I stand on a host of issues. I've been accused of lacking tact because of my directness. But then I was raised in the Northeast and am now living in the South. Cultures collide.

While speaking my opinions and speaking up for others comes easily for me, speaking up for myself is still often a challenge.

Despite the assertion of a number of people that I enjoy stirring the pot, I don't. I don't like discord. It's just that when confronted with the choice of having the hard conversation and maintaining an uncomfortable status quo, it feels like the hard conversation is the path to possibility.

And so, I recently found myself taking a deep breath and having a courageous conversation with a male colleague. We were performing together and he was (consciously or not) upstaging me - drawing the audience's attention to himself during a moment when, according to the script, it should have been on my character. He was taking up space that actually belonged to me which triggered me as an actor and, frankly, as a woman.

And my Body let me know. It's my Body that tells me when I must speak up. I feel the twinge in my solar plexus. I feel the rage expand through me like a fire. I sense the desire to cut someone into pieces with my words - and I'm a Gemini so I've got one helluva sword!

But I never feel well with myself when I cut someone to shreds. I don't want carnage. I want communion and collaboration.

It took me three days to get myself to a place of being clear about what I wanted and needed to say. We had a month of performances ahead of us and I wanted to communicate in a way that made space for both of us to have our needs met.

Ignoring the problem was just going to make me miserable. And if an actor isn't having fun on stage, it affects the performance. It affects the audience. It affects the other actors. I care too much about my craft to let that happen.

And after many years of self-abandonment, I now care too much about myself to foment my own suffering. I found the courage to speak - for myself, for my audience, for my colleague.

It was a short, but I think effective, conversation.

It went something like this. "I've really enjoyed performing with you in the past. We've played off each other well and it has encouraged my creativity. But there are some times in this show, in particular where I reveal what is going on between me and my husband that you are making gestures that are pulling focus from my character. It makes me feel like you are competing with me for the audience's attention and I'd rather be collaborating with you. And it makes me sad because I'm not enjoying my time on stage with you as I have in the past. We've got a lot of performances ahead of us. I want to give the audience the best show we can while enjoying the process so I'd appreciate it if you could tone down your movements during that part of the dialogue and hold space for me to have my moment as I am holding space for your character to have his during other parts of the show."

He knew which moment I was referencing, acknowledged that he could see how it would pull focus, and agreed to adjust. He assured me if I had any similar concerns moving forward, I could feel comfortable bringing them up. I believe it strengthened our relationship. I know it strengthened my capacity for speaking up next time - sooner and with less angst.

(PSA, if you know theater, you know actors aren't supposed to direct other actors and it's part of why I was struggling to have the conversation. I talked to my director before I talked to my fellow actor. The director asked if he'd like me to address the situation or if I preferred to do it. Given that we were already in production, I said I preferred to do it.)

Speaking up freed me to channel my energy into the joy of performing - a gift for myself and a gift for others.

Where do you want to or need to speak up in your life? With a friend? A family member? A boss? What conversation could make a real difference for the relationship and for you?

Ask your body to help you find the new reality you crave. Really paint the picture for yourself.

When you know what you crave, you find courage. When you find courage, you find your voice.

Open a dialogue and create a new possibility for yourself, for the relationship and for the kind of world in which you wish to live.