Dethroning the Patriarchy

How we can make room for creating new, healthy, equitable systems 

Earlier this week, I listened to a woman sing an all too familiar tune - apologizing for how she felt, for not being able to hide it and for - gasp - having the gall to actually say so out loud. 

In the moment, I felt called to hold space for her so she could feel safe enough to share. At another woman's beckoning, I affirmed how I often felt the same way she was feeling and how grateful I was for her courage and her vulnerability.

But later, the rage came.

How many times in my life have I watched this same scene play out with countless women (and some men, too)? How many times have I listened to women apologize for merely being human? How many times have I done these things myself? 

I see this pattern everywhere I work and play with women, but even more so in spiritual communities where dogma has reinforced that people who are "really" spiritual can see the good in everything thus they never feel bad. (I'll give you three guesses what I think about that.) 

I shudder to think about all the hours, days, years lost to this narrative over the course of the lives of billions of women. 

How many brilliant ideas have gone unbirthed? 

How many revolutions have never started? 

How much healing has never seen the light of day?

And for this, you can thank the F*#cking Patriarchy. 

I know, I know. What a cliche - a privileged white woman bemoaning the Patriarchy.

But I'm going to rage anyway because far too many people refuse to acknowledge this imbalance in the human system and even more of us fail to accurately calculate its cost.

When I read that Jame Talarico had defeated Jasmine Crockett in their primary, I thought to myself - well, of course. And then I started to read about feedback from white women who had chosen him because he was more "palatable" and thought - yup, internalized Patriarchy triumphs again. Patriarchy has no tolerance for bold women generally but it levies even harsher penalties on a woman of color who dares to show up in her fierceness.

Patriarchy relies on obedience and complicity. It relies on women feeling the need to earn physical and emotional safety by regulating not only what we allow ourselves to say out loud, but even what we allow ourselves to feel. It relies on women using all their time and energy to meet the markers of "acceptable" which really means being everything to everyone every moment of the day.

Women, we are more than half the planet! If we say no to this rotten deal, everyone but the most privileged white men win. Look around at who is pulling the strings right now - a bunch of white male billionaires who got where they got because of all the women and People of Color who were undercompensated (if not completely uncompensated) for all they did. Are we REALLY going to let them keep calling the shots, pouring gasoline on the fire?

My friends, it is time for Patriarchy to go out of existence so a new, more balanced, more equitable reality can arrive.

Mother Teresa said, "I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples."

Ready to make some ripples with me? (Men, you get to play, too.)

1. Stop bloody apologizing for how you feel, especially when you are sad or angry. We all feel sadness. We all feel anger. And those emotions point us to what we really care about. They are gifts, not problems to be shooed away.

Give yourself permission to really feel all you are feeling - without apology, justification, minimizing, or taking your feelings out on innocent bystanders.

But, Janice, what if everyone went around feeling their feelings? Wouldn't the world come to a grinding halt? Nope, because people would flourish and their creativity would soar, and where do you think the most powerful art comes from anyway?

2. Ditch Perfection. This is a hard one for me. Perfection is the most prevalent devil on my shoulder. I'm not sure I get through a day without hearing from her. But she's Patriarchy's right hand gal.

Making women (and people of all marginalized groups) think we have to be perfect keeps us on a treadmill that depletes our energy for resistance.

Thankfully, I've learned to recognize her voice and reject her more outlandish demands. (Want to know how I did this? Check out Inner Monologue Method | The Fertile Voice. I'm starting the next round Tuesday, 3/10.)

3. Ditch Guilt. And people pleasing. Practice saying "no" until it feels as comfortable as saying "yes". Embrace my matra "If you're pissing someone off, you're doing something right." Guilt is just more Patriarchal programming, and it disconnects us from our true power which is Joy. 

Ok, you may not adore washing dishes, folding laundry or navigating the drop off lane at school, but you can play the music you love while you do it. You can even dance your way through a grocery store aisle.

And if you happen to raise a few eyebrows while doing it? Congratulations, that's a knee to Patriarchy's groin.

Well, geez Janice if I ditch Apology, Perfection and Guilt what am I going to do with myself all day? 

Firstly, you're going to spend more time with women who are embracing their power and pushing back on patriarchal norms. 

Why do you think the Patriarchy wants women in the kitchen? Because a woman in the kitchen is usually there alone. She's not there with other women - maybe on a phone call, or talking over the fence to a neighbor (according to TV sitcoms, anyway) - but mostly alone. 

You want to keep a woman down? Isolate her. Notice how princesses in fairy tales get locked away in towers? The Patriarchy wants women stewing in their own (usually negative) self-talk. It wants women starved of community so they feel unsupported, unsteady, and their courage falters.

What Patriarchy doesn't want is a coven. What it fears is a coven. (If the word "coven" spooks you, that's more internalized Patriarchy with a good dose of religious oppression heaped on top.)

Nothing threatens the Patriarchy like a group of women who come together, make space for each other's deepest wounds and longings, lift each other up, grieve each other's sorrows and celebrate every little joy. What it doesn't want is a woman surrounded by free-flowing love.

Because women who get this kind of support from each other on the regular flourish, even when life gets hard. They are happier, they are bolder, and their radiance is palpable.

And if you want to really watch how this is done, watch how Black women do it. This has been essential to their survival and their respect for and embracing of sisterhood is profound.

Then, you're going to create a world - your world - the one full of joy and compassion and peace that you so deeply crave.

You're going to model for your sisters (and brothers), your children, your co-workers and even strangers what it is to show up in the full expression of your being.

You're going to fill your own cup with what nurtures you - art, nature, community. 

Then with that full cup you can joyfully give a smile, offer a shoulder to cry on, lift the spirits of someone who needs it, all tell Patriarchy to shove it where the sun don't shine and voila, that new world is on its way.